Cultivating Mindful Relationships

Amy Taylor August 01, 2013

It is easy to say “I hate you!”, “Get out of my life!”, “Leave me alone!” and all those hurtful statements during an argument with our spouse or special someone. But then, these words are those that we often regret once the negative emotions subside. Mindfulness is one good strategy that we can incorporate in our personal relationships to handle disagreements that could lead to major conflicts, and ultimately, separation.

How Mindfulness Benefits our Relationship

The win-win effects of mindfulness seem to keep growing and expanding. Aside from improving our sense of well-being, a growing body of research suggests that it also has a positive effect on almost all aspects of life, even our interpersonal relationships. In a 2004 study conducted by the University of North Carolina study, it was found couples who practiced mindfulness showed improvements in their happiness levels. They also experienced healthier levels of relationship stress and overall stress.

Mindfulness benefits romantic relationships in plenty of ways. Through mindfulness, we learn how to become more in control of our emotion and allow a wiser approach to resolving conflicts, and refrain from being carried away by our emotional instincts. Imagine, for example, being triggered by your partner. Picture yourself in a heated argument, your jaws clenched, and you could hardly breathe. All bad memories keep flashing. Still, you manage not to say a word without thinking about it first. You are able to feel those emotions without reacting, without feeling overwhelmed.

Mindfulness serves as a valuable tool for facing challenges that we encounter in our daily life. In our relationship, it allows us to become more calm and rational, and deal with every conflict with an open mind. At the same time, it allows us to fully enjoy each bonding moment – whether it’s a simple kiss, a hug or sex. Mindful awareness lets us experience and cherish joy as it occurs. We also alleviate unhealthy levels of stress, which has a dramatic effect on the quality of our relationship. Mindfulness makes us more optimistic and grateful about our love life.

We also cultivate empathy through this practice. When we have empathy, we can understand our partner much better. We begin to ask questions “What are they experiencing?”, “What makes them upset?”, “What are they really trying to say?” etc. Through careful assessment of their feelings, we begin to widen our perspective and understand them, and ultimately respond to them appropriately. Sure you still have those negative emotions, as well as the shaking and tensing of muscles. It’s just that they don’t ‘hijack’ you.

How can we practise mindfulness in our romantic relationships?

Mindfulness is not a complicated concept. It’s all about paying attention to the present moment on purpose, and without any judgement, notes Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a mindfulness expert. Still, it isn’t easy to incorporate mindfulness in our relationship in just a single blow. Here are some tips and strategies that can help you become mindful in your relationship:

Practise meditation. Marsha Lucas, Ph.D., a psychologist, neuropsychologist and author of “Rewire Your Brain for Love: Creating Vibrant Relationships Using the Science of Mindfulness”, suggests meditating for at least 20 minutes a day. If you’re new to the practise, it’s a great idea to seek help from a professional meditation instructor.

Reset your ‘fight or flight’ response. She also suggests smaller ways to reset our nervous system’s ‘fight or flight’ response. Lucas calls it the ‘circuit breakers’. These include deep breathing techniques, with your exhales being a bit longer than your inhales. Another strategy is to place your hands over your heart and belly. According to her, this technique stimulates the release of oxytocin or the ‘love’ hormone that makes you calmer and safer.

Acknowledge your emotions. It’s also important that you acknowledge what is happening within you. What are your worries? What are the things you are afraid of about your relationship? What has been bothering you all this time? Then share it with your partner. Communication is vital to any relationship. When we constantly communicate with our loved ones, we begin to understand them more.

Mindfulness is essential for the success of romantic relationships. It helps us become more loving, understanding and compassionate. And most of all, it makes our relationships more rewarding and fulfilling.